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1994-03-08
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4KB
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78 lines
IRISH JOKES
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Sorry to everyone in Ireland - I'm sure you can see the funny side !
1. How do you make an Irishman laugh on Monday ?
Tell him a joke on Friday.
2. A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate
Irishman stands up: "You're makin' out we're all dumb and stupid. I
oughtta punch you in the nose."
"I'm sorry sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on
your knee."
3. "Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish
jokes."
"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, "I'm warning
you I'm Irish."
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."
4. Paddy and Mick shared first prize of 500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes
and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout.
"But Paddy, Oi've been thinking," said Mick with a worried frown,
"what will we do with all them beggin' letters? "
"Shure," said Paddy, "we'll go on sending 'em out."
5. At the party they threw to celebrate, Paddy played his famous party
trick. He extends his hands to an unsuspecting bystander and says:
"Pick a thumb, any thumb at all."
When the bystander complies, the Irishman puts his hands behind his
back for a moment, then holds out his clenched fist. "Okay, now
which hand is it in ? "
6. It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the
channel are about to be guillotined.
"Do you want to be beheaded on your back or on your front ? " the
executioner asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not
afraid of death.
So Smith was layed out on his back under the knife. The executioner
pulled the lever. Schlick.....and the knife jammed. Smith was
reprieved because no man can be sentenced to death twice.
Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade
jammed and Hoskins was reprieved.
Murphy was third. "Back or front ? "
"If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for
me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.
"Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think I can see why it
jams."
7. An airman had to bail out, and landed battered and bruised in a
field just outside Belfast. A crowd had gathered round, and one
of them said to the airman, "What happened ? " He said, "My
parachute wouldn't open." The Irishman said, "Ye should have
known. Nothing opens here on Sunday."
8. Have you heard about the Irish sky diver who was killed when his
snorkel and flippers failed to open ?
9. Then there's the one about the new Irish parachute. It opens on
impact.
10. Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back
from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain's voice came over
the loudspeaker. "Ladies and gentlemen, one of the engines
appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about, but we
will be fifteen minutes late in landing at Gatwick."
Five minutes later he said, "Nothing to worry about ladies
and gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and
we will be an hour late."
A moment later, "Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen,
but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now
be two hours later than expected."
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good
heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine
fails, we'll be up here all night ? "